Ultrasound Eve

Today I am 6w4d.  Tomorrow is our first ultrasound, the one in which we find out if we have a fetal pole and a heartbeat.  The one in which we find out if this pregnancy is really beginning or is already over like the ones before it.

You all have been my cheerleaders, my hopeful supporters when I seem to be nothing but hopeless.   I have to say that it is difficult to imagine a happy outcome, hard to imagine anything other than disappointment and heartbreak, that this time will be different.

I'm trying.  I want this more than anything (Who among us doesn't?).  Despite my desires and my wishes and my fantasies and doing everything I can, I feel like there is an impenetrable wall in front of me. 

Infertile women are supposed to visualize their child, visualize the embryo growing, visualize fertility (or so I've read and been told), visualize, visualize, visualize.  I just can't.  Maybe because it is too painful to visualize something that might never be, maybe because I am a realist and too pragmatic, maybe because I know deep down that there is nothing to visualize, not for me.

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I hope to share good news with you tomorrow evening.  I hope to hear the sound that I just can't imagine, to see that thing that is unimaginable.  I hope to still be pregnant tomorrow.