Six Weeks

This is the third time in a year I have used that title for a post.  Unbelievable.  When I was telling F last night that I just don't have any expectations anymore, he agreed but added,  "One of these pregnancies just has to be the one..."


Monday was a really nice day weather wise.  I usually commute by bicycle to work but I have been taking the bus since the retrieval.  I really felt like I should ride my bike, because the weather was so great, only I was weary of doing so for many different reasons.  I didn't want to put pressure on my cervix, I didn't want to exert myself on the hill, I was afraid I would feel weak.  Basically I had a small decision making crisis while getting ready in which I could not make up my mind and went about beating myself up, both for wanting to ride my bike rather than take it easy and play it safe, and for being overly cautious and not riding my bike.  The same thing happens when I swim.  I stress out about whether or not I should do flip turns at the wall or touch and turn.  I don't know if I am being foolish for not doing flip turns and not riding my bike to work, for being overly cautious, and I feel silly and not understood when trying to explain these choices to fertile friends who continued running and biking and swimming with the same intensity in early pregnancy as they did before.   I'm not even talking about the same level of intensity here, I'm talking about commuting mostly on a bike path at 9 miles an hour and gently flipping in water during an easy swim.   My swims have not been workouts since before the retrieval.  Still, I am afraid.

I spent last night going back and forth from following the presidential election boards and googling symptoms and threads for 5w6d.  I was a maniac searching for information and answers that just weren't there yet.

On the symptom front, I had a good few days where brushing my teeth made me gag.  But then after the fourth or fifth gag I wondered whether it had become a mental thing, if I was making myself gag just by thinking of gagging.  Then I wondered if the majority of my symptoms were all fabrications brought on just by thinking too much about them.  So I tried not to think about gagging while I brushed my teeth the next day and I didn't gag at all.   Hysterical.  Then the next night I gagged deeply enough to feel it in my stomach.

I had a dream last night that I had to eat a salad of coffee grounds and carrots.  In my dream I was gagging.  Seriously, is this a mental thing?  Do I want sickness so badly that I am dreaming about it?  Or is this the genesis of nausea and aversions?   My gagging reflex in my waking hours is brought on not by smells or taste, but by thinking about things like gagging or eating coffee grounds, and today, by people on the bus.  Yes, people sort of made me want to gag.  Again, not with a smell or anything, just people.  That is a weird one.  Still, I don't quite trust this gagging trend.