I'm still feeling discouraged about my treatment. Discouraged in a way I haven't really experienced until now. A new kind of discouraged. The kind that comes before giving in. In which you realize that it might be easier to accept defeat. And move on.
I haven't cried about this miscarriage much at all. I just want to be over it. Not just the bleeding. All of it. All of Infertility and loss. Fuck it. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I am sick of losing.
I remember telling F after we were pregnant from our first IUI with clomid, even though it was a chemical pregnancy, that getting pregnant on our first try just seemed too easy (that thought faded quickly after 3 subsequent BFNs). But I said the same thing again after we found out we were pregnant after our first IVF. We had an excellent fertilization rate with excellent blasts and we were pregnant after transferring one 5 day blast. It just seemed too easy (yes, in a very ironic way, however. In fact, F looked at me as if I were crazy when I said that Easy?). Even though IVF #1 ended in an early miscarriage, we were hopeful that we could do it again with our FET cycle. And we did, just not in the way we had hoped. Another pregnancy only brought another loss.
When I write it all out-- 1 round of clomid, 3 rounds of clomid + IUI, 1 IUI with injectables, 1 IVF and FET and 1 chemical pregnancy and 2 miscarriages--it actually doesn't seem that discouraging (okay it does, but...). If I take away the waste of time and money IUIs, all we have is 1 IVF and 1 FET. As I said in a previous post, I feel that we are only at the beginning of the IVF process. It very often takes multiple tries at IVF to get your live, take home baby. I know that because of the enormous number of IF bloggers who persisted.
When I need hope, I return to those bloggers who have achieved what I am currently fighting for. In fact, most of the bloggers in my reading list are now parenting after infertility, or in the final weeks of their pregnancy after multiple IVF attempts. In my search for hope, I went back and reviewed the infertility resumes of all the success stories that came after multiple IVF in my reader.
I think they will give hope to anyone still struggling and I offer them to you.
These bloggers carry infertility resumes that are longer and more difficult than mine, bloggers who, after many losses, pressed on to success and whose stories I so need right now. This list is not meant to value one resolution or option over another, such as living childfree after IVF or using donor eggs after multiple IVF attempts with your own eggs or adoption after IVF. It is merely a list of bloggers who pursued the same trajectory that I am currently pursuing--IVF with my own eggs. If I missed or messed up any details I sincerely apologize.
"The Chronicles of Violetta Magarita"
diagnosis: unexplained IF
status: 28 weeks after IVF #3!!!
"Awaiting our miracles"
diagnosis: MFI, auto-immune hypothyroidism
status: parenting after an FET following 2 IVFs + ICSI
"Can I get some sugar with these lemons?"
diagnosis: advanced endo with one ovary and tube
status: parenting after a spontaneous natural pregnancy following 2 falied IVF cycles and one FET
"Deliquent Eggs"
diagnosis: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and immune factors
status: parenting after IVF #2
"Empty Oven"
diagnosis: unexplained IF with elevated FSH and MFI after cancer
status: 38 weeks after IVF #3!!!
"Everyone else but me"
diagnosis: MFI? Endo and repeat ectopic pregnancies
status: parenting after FET #3 following IVF + ICSI #3!!!
"Handling Plan B" aka "Plan B and Beyond"
diagnosis: MFI, unexplained female IF
status: parenting after an FET following IVF # 2
"Infertility Musings"
diagnosis: unexplained and Hashimoto's Thyroid
status: parenting after an FET from IVF #3!!!
"The 2 week wait"
diagnosis: unexplained?
status: parenting after IVF #3!!!
"The Birds and the Bees"
diagnosis: MFI and AMA?
status: parenting after an FET from IVF #4!!!!
"Waiting and Wishing"
diagnosis: irregular periods
status: 34 weeks pregnant after IVF + ICSI #2
"Yet another IF blog"
diagnosis: borderline MFI, endo and polyps
status: 38+ weeks after FET #2 following one IVF cycle
'Stress Free Infertility"
diagnosis: MFI and ?
status: parenting #1 after 2 IVF cycles and one FET, parenting #2 and #3 from FET #2 after IVF
and many more...
If you have a blog to add, perhaps your own, please leave a link in the comment section. I would love to add more bloggers to my list of hope.
6 comments:
I understand the discouragement that you are speaking of. Thanks for sharing the hope.
You have a good outlook. It's so hard to pick yourself back up after so many failures. I wanted to quit after our first FET (which ended in an empty sac), but my husband told me to stick to our RE's plan and the next IVF (#2) worked. I'm glad I listened to him. I sounded much like you in your first few paragraphs - ready to just be done with ALL of it.
I'll be cheering you on. You'll get there - it may take longer than you want and may end up looking a little different than you pictured, but you'll get there (wherever there is).
Keep haning in there!
Ok, I think you need to give yourself more credit. When I look at your list of treatments and losses, it looks devastating. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
Hello from ICLW! I'm sorry you have been through so much.
This is what's so great about this community. We all have our paths, and we come here for support, but in turn we give each other hope.
Cheering you on every step of the way. Glad you're feeling the hope!
Sending you love...
So behind on commenting. But thanks for the shout out! I'm glad to know that my story is helping others following behind me. That's one of the reasons for outrun it out there, right? I wish you so much luck in your up coming cycle!
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