Today, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Many of my fellow IFers have experienced miscarriage and my heart goes out to you all today.
Please visit the October 15th website
Okay, I just can't end this post. I feel utterly compelled to add something completely inappropriate and selfish. I have sat here for 5 minutes trying to resist, but I have to get these feelings out, right? Please forgive me.
It is troubling that I have had 20 BFNs (yesterday being my 20th) and never, not one BFP, not even a hint of pregnancy, chemical or otherwise. Sometimes I feel like a a miscarriage would be a (devastating) step in the right direction. At least I would know I could get pregnant. I know this is a common feeling, however insensitive it may seem to say or think, especially today. A year ago I said this to my CNM. She looked at me and replied, "No, not getting pregnant month after month is hard, but now, miscarriage, that is a real loss." I still feel hurt by what she said, a real loss, and think it was way out of line. Was what I said out of line, too? The context is different, right? A pregnancy is considered a success for someone who is infertile whether or not she miscarries or delivers. If I do an IUI next cycle and I get a BFP that results in miscarriage I will feel like we are making progress, HUGE progress. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be devastated by the loss of a pregnancy, even if it meant progress.
October 15th is remembering a different kind of miscarriage, but also the same. The thought of losing a pregnancy at 20 weeks is too scary to even think about. And the loss of a pregnancy for an infertile couple comes with a much more complicated set of circumstance, context and affect. My point is, I don't think any of us who have struggled with infertility begin a pregnancy without already having some of the emotional space reserved for the loss of it, at least in the first term.
Not that loss is measurable or one outweighs another...
4 comments:
I feel the same way as you. A miscarriage would be devastating to me. But I've had 21 BFNs and no BFPs. I've done 4 IUIs and 1 IVF and have not managed to even have a chemical pregnancy.
It seems to me that women who have gotten pregnant once, even if it ends with a miscarriage, tend to eventually get pregnant again and have it stick. So, I guess I feel like I'm in last place right now. And that, although perhaps I haven't felt as much pain as the women who've had miscarriages, I feel they are still more likely to have a happy ending than I am. And that's all I want, a happy ending, no matter how much pain I have to go through to get there.
So, yes, the women who've had miscarriages have been through more acute pain than we have, but they are also probably closer to their goal than we are.
(Except for those poor women who fall under the RPL category: I cannot fathom the terrible situation that they find themselves in.)
Which is better, which is worse? Who knows...
Oh Jane, I am sorry to hear about your ttc history. You put it into words well when you say you feel like you are in last place. Exactly. Last place is a very lonely place to be.
I don't like this post. I hate that I have these feelings, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. So thank you Jane, for commenting.
I think it's all a loss - a real loss. I remember feeling the same way before I got pregnant. I couldn't get pregnant, and I wished for the chance. And this year I've been pregnant twice, and lost both pregnancies.
Before I was pregnant, I felt a real loss, it was a loss of doing what I was supposed to be able to do easily - as a woman, I feel like I should be able to procreate. Not having that ability scared me. I felt like I was going nowhere.
After I've lost two babies, I know that the pain is much more intense for a miscarriage than continually not getting pregnant, but I still feel the same way. Unable to procreate, unable to have a family, unable to achieve my goals of having a baby.
I guess my point is that it's different - a miscarriage isn't anything like not being able to get pregnant. Having experienced both, I feel like they all suck. No matter what.
Hugs to you - I really hope you get your BFP soon.
I don't agree with your CNM. Infertility is a real loss regardless of whether or not you've experienced miscarriage. Before I experienced miscarriage I must admit to being a tiny bit envious of ANY woman who conceived, even if she lost the baby.
After two year of TTC and two IVF cycles I conceived but lost the baby at 10.5 weeks. A miscarriage is DEVASTATING. The process of IVF is horrendous but the process of losing a baby (after two years of infertility + IVF) is so much worse.
HOWEVER, I totally understand how you feel and I agree with you. Having been preg once I now have a certain level of hope that I didn't have previously and for that I feel lucky.
I really hope you see your BFP soon (and that it STICKS!) x
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