This morning I finally built up the courage to call the RE's office to check in, like I planned to do since I returned from Texas (I've been home for a month). I don't know exactly why I get so overwhelmed about committing to treatment. I cried at my first acupuncture appointment. When the appointment-making-nurse pulled up my chart, she said, "So, you need to speak with the nurse coordinator to make plans for your IUI," as if I knew what the plan was. Tears immediately filled my eyes but I pretended, "Yes, that sounds right." And it was/is correct, I knew this would be the next step, I knew this in June, wait, I knew this in February. But somehow I was surprised and taken aback when she used the letters I U I; and I finally realized the extent of my denial and fear of infertility treatment this morning when I got off the phone and sobbed.
I'm just not really sure where the denial and fear come from or why I feel them.
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A few minutes ago, the nurse coordinator and I did make a plan: I will continue with acupuncture and herbs for 1 more cycle. If I am not pregnant after this next natural cycle, I call her on cd 1, start clomid on day 3, call by 5:00 pm when I get my first + opk and then go get INSEMINATED!!!
This plan means IUI #1 sometime around the first week of December.
This plan means that IUI# 1 will happen less than one month shy of our 2 year anniversary of trying to get me pregnant. Writing this sentence now, I can't believe we waited so long.
2 comments:
I think this fear and denial of finally going the the ART route is very normal. I had these same moments - not believing that I needed assistance. Not believing that we couldn't do it on our own. Be warned, the moments that will come with your first ART cycle will feel similar. The first time you take that clomid, and definitely at your first IUI - I couldn't believe that this was how I was going to get pregnant!
But you're not alone. I'm here, and there's many others out here that have done this before you. And we'll hold your hand.
The plan sounds great! Let's hope you never even have to get INSEMINATED!!! :)
Infertility and denial seem to go hand & hand. i found myself in denial for a long time as well, and I am not sure why. I think its because we instinctively crave to do things the normal way- to overcome IF. I never knew how hard it was to ask for and receieve help.
Good for you for overcoming that fear and denial- it only holds us captive. You are taking steps to reaching your goals & dreams fo motherhood and sooner or later it's going to pay off. :) xoxoxox
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