I Had a Miscarriage

 at 11w5d.  I can finally say it after 36 days of waiting.  It is over (I hope).  We can move on.  Here is how it happened:

Saturday afternoon, a week and one day after I started spotting, when my light flow seemed to once again taper off and not a cramp of activity seemed to be happening in my uterus, I gave myself and my body an ultimatum--get this over with this weekend or I am calling for a prescription of misoprostol on Monday!  

Then Saturday evening the cramping started, not like menstrual cramps, but a what felt like a very deep cramp that would last for a few seconds and then end.  This continued at intervals and I was sure that, "this is it!"  The bleeding had picked up to a medium red flow.  F had to go into work Saturday night for 5 hours ( I know, can you believe it? There was pouting and guilt trips and then apologies for said guilt trips).  The pain for the cramping was manageable with 2 ibuprofen at that point, but I could still feel the cramping episodes (contractions?).

I watched a movie with the heating pad and a pot of red raspberry tea and a gag worthy cup of 'blood moving' tea I made with herbs from my acupuncturist (seriously the worst TCM tea I have ever had, and as black as coffee).  Then I went to bed.  F came home and everything was fine.

The cramping woke me up many times throughout the night and there were many trips to the bathroom to check the bleeding status on the maxi pad.  I felt a small gush of blood after one cramping episode and went to sit on the toilet.  I passed a few good sized clots all at once, took 2 more ibuprofen and went back to bed.  I was up again at 7:15 am for another dose of ibuprofen and a fresh pad and then back to bed.  Later I woke up at what I guessed was 8:00 or 8:30.  I looked at the clock and it was 10:30 am!!

Within 30 minutes of getting out of bed I started feeling bad and knew it was really happening.  Intense cramps/contractions accompanied by nausea, passing clots and heavy bleeding.   The cramping episodes got more intense and closer together in time.  I spent most of those moments in child's pose with the heating pad across my sacrum.  Then I started sweating and feeling like I was going to throw up.  I spent the final 30 minutes in the bathroom, either sitting on the floor or on the toilet.  I had a couple dry heaves and then felt the urge to have a bowel movement.  The nausea increased after that with a really painful and long lasting contraction.  I was sitting on the toilet leaning over the trash can dry heaving.  I think the pushing from the BM helped because I felt this really strange sensation, like a shudder or flutter, something breaking away or moving in my uterus.  And then the urge to push.  I realized then that I was actually pushing something out!

And out It came, the 'products of conception', into the toilet, in one large piece.  I think the shock of it sent me back into dry heaves.  I was shaky and started to cry.  Not an emotional, sad cry, but what I think was a pure physiological reaction to the whole ordeal.  Like my heaving, it was a dry cry and suddenly I was aware that I felt so. much. better.   Huge release.

The sac or placenta or whatever the tissue should be called was much larger than I had anticipated.  I don't understand how a gestational sac with arrested growth, measuring 19 mm twenty days ago, could emerge as a blob of membrane the size of my hand.  I didn't take it out of the toilet or examine the tissue up close.  I didn't feel an attachment to it that would motivate me to bury it under a tree or anything symbolic.  F and I just stared at it in grotesque amazement and then flushed it.

I finally took one of the vicodin my RE prescribed me.  F prepared some toast for me to eat, as I had not eaten anything that morning.  It was 12:30 at that point, so the actual miscarriage event took approximately 2 hours.  I continued to bleed pretty heavily for the next hour or so, soaking 2 pads.  I continued to have cramps throughout the day and took one more vicodin that evening.  The bleeding subsided throughout the day and today is still red, but light in flow. 

I am so relieved that it happened over the weekend and that I was not alone.  Sunday could be considered the perfect day for recovering from a miscarriage--television wise.  No, not the SuperBowl (gross).  Vh1 was airing 'best of' countdowns all day long, which F and I love to watch--best of "I love the 80's" and 90's, followed by "The top 40 one hit wonders of the 90's" and then the 00's.  We camped out on the couch all day long.  And for the first time since December, I felt happy.

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One day after the miscarriage and I still can't believe what came out of me yesterday.  I am amazed at how intense it was in those final moments.  I am so relieved that I did not have to take the misoprostol.   Hopefully everything passed or will do so in the next few days.  It would be so defeating if, after such a long wait and physical ordeal, I end up needing a d&c.



Thank you for reading this long story and for following my wait, whether it was just stopping by to read it or offering supportive comments.