Thank you for allowing me to release some dark thoughts from my mind in my last post. Amazingly, since getting them out, they have not returned once. I was so done with feeling those thoughts and fears that it took me the entire week to return to read the comments. It turned out to be a very cleansing post.
I think a large part of my reluctance to return to that post is that I want so badly and am so ready to divorce the experience of infertility from this pregnancy and just be pregnant. I know that's not possible, nor fair. It is also irresponsible to the community that is my support system. But I also can't wallow in my infertility and fear with each post. Infertility has consumed me for much of the past 3-4 years, it is very much a part of this pregnancy, my psyche and the story we will tell our child about his making. Writing now about pregnancy becomes a matter of balancing the joy I feel with the difficult experiences that brought me here.
So I want my last post to be a turning point. Just as 20 weeks is a milestone in gestation, I want it to be a transition away from fear and thoughts of miscarriage or stillbirth.
I know that rare complications can occur. Rare. I am submerged in uncharted territory. I come from the land of early losses. I have no reason or past experience to make me think that something rare would happen now.
And this is where I am at 20 weeks. Officially halfway and ready to move full speed ahead. Like I said, the thoughts from my last post have not returned since I wrote them out. In fact, recent accomplishments include: no longer inspecting the toilet paper for pink or brown, buying my own maternity pants, starting a registry, and perhaps the most encouraging of them all: calling this baby a baby, or the baby, or best of all, our baby.
5 comments:
I'm glad you're moving in a more positive direction. That takes a LOT of courage!
You are doing just fine. You do not have to justify your thoughts and feelings to anyone, they are true and valid. My son is almost two and a half, and there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of infertility in some fashion. We are now embarking on trying for number two (naturally to start), but all of those TTC/infertility feelings are in the front of my mind. I think infertility will be with you for a long time, but I do think eventually you will gain a positive persepctive from your experiences. So happy that you are going through these emotions and are looking for positive things as well! Take Care!
So happy to read this.
Sweetie, if it happens that you fall back in the dark zone, don't feel guilty about it, know that it's normal. You'll bounce back again and once you have the baby in your arms nothing will matter. Love, Fran
I'm glad to read that you've had some success with your infertility clinic treatments. Your last line was great too "calling this baby a baby, or the baby, or best of all, our baby." I work in the infertility arena and to read things like that make my job more worthwhile. Thank you.
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