I am writing out this fear in the hopes that by getting it out, it will no longer plague me. Note: I've been reading many posts about the "Pain Olympics." You may notice that the way I end this post may engage in this practice a bit. I just want to say that I have every effing right to express my fears in this way.
My nerves have really calmed since the anatomy scan. Every day or moment that I feel movement reassures me. Even so, I can still recite tragic stories that have occurred after 20 weeks, both in this community and not, I come across them in google searches, but I have been very good about ignoring them and learning to enjoy this pregnancy (finally buying maternity pants! switching care to a birth center! almost buying a baby outfit! telling long distance colleagues! and many more normal behaviors for being halfway through pregnancy).
There is a haunting milestone about making it this far: to have a loss at this point would be considered a stillbirth and not a miscarriage. Now that I have made it this far, this pregnancy is the only chance I have left. This is my last shot. We signed up for IVF under a shared risk or refund plan with our clinic. The contract states that we qualify for 3 IVF cycles. The contract can end in a few different ways. We can back out at any time (refund), we complete 3 cycles without success (refund), or we (I) can deliver a baby past 20 weeks (we are done).
As I approach the 20 week milestone, each week I have the same horrible thought: At 17 weeks, "I only have 3 more weeks to have a miscarriage before our contract ends." At 18 weeks, "...only 2 more weeks..." and so on. I have these thoughts because we have one IVF cycle left in our contract. If I have a miscarriage we get to try again (though the thought of trying again is too overwhelming to bear), but if anything were to happen after 20 weeks and before viability we would be left with nothing, no refund, and not able to try again.
I don't know that we would even want to try again after such a loss, but having our options run out is the scariest possibility I have encountered with infertility thus far. It's also not fair of me to put this kind of pressure on my unborn child. I already feel like a bad parent.
Pregnancy loss and stillbirth is awful. Awful, awful. I cry for anyone who has suffered a late loss. There are many blogs to prove that it can happen to anyone. Many of those women go on to have another pregnancy and birth children. But when you can't get pregnant on your own and have gone through infertility and loss already, that enormous loss could very well be how your journey ends.
I just can't end like that. This baby will be my happy ending.
5 comments:
I can see how this can be very daunting. It is amazing how we put these milestones in our heads and let them cause us dread. I will be 20 weeks tomorrow and I have thought all week that once Saturday comes, a loss would be termed a stillbirth. BUT - we both just have 4 more weeks until viability, and that's a great thing!
You're not going to need a third try within your refund program. This is going to work out!
Hang in there momma!!! One month! You can do this! I know it's scary but you are strong enough!!
Hugs. I hear you x
Look, your thoughts are NORMAL for what we have been through. You are not the only one fearing the worst and of course we know all too well that tragedies happen. After my second ectopic I could not even imagine trying again. But I just needed some time and realised that you cannot plan what will you do if. You will have your happy ending, chances of ending that way are so so much higher than the opposite. Big hugs, I wish there was more I could say.
Understandable how you feel.
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