I had my first OB appointment yesterday at 10 weeks. Once again, I walked into an appointment feeling like the pregnancy was over. Only this time I had those feelings while surrounded by pregnant women.
I went to the back to pee in a cup, followed the instructions on the wall, pulled down my pants and found blood in my underwear. I haven't had any bleeding since the brief spotting episode at 7 weeks so this discovery only meant one thing to me: I was right. The pregnancy is ending.
I wiped and it didn't seem like the bleeding was flowing or constant, but I found a pad in the bathroom, put it on and went back out to the waiting room trying to hold it together.
I waited a long time. And as I waited all I think about was how I was going to tell my mom that I'd lost another pregnancy, how I was going to survive another Christmas, how I was going to make the drive home that evening. How I didn't belong there. How I didn't think I could do this again. I don't know if anyone noticed that I was sitting there blinking back tears.
Finally my name was called, I was weighed and met the nurse of my OB. She asked me the usual questions and then I just blurted out that I had just started bleeding and thought I might be having another miscarriage. When she left the room to get the OB, I lost it.
I am officially a crazy person who needs help.
When the OB came in I was still crying. I apologized for meeting her like that. She was understanding. She asked me about the bleeding and told me I would get an ultrasound to check things out.
Then she told me that she had been through IVF herself to conceive her twins. We even share the same RE (the one who recommended her). We had a great conversation about my history and I was so thankful to be in her exam room. Right now, I don't want to be anywhere else.
Oh, everything is fine by the way. I am not currently having a miscarriage. We officially have a fetus. Heartbeat was 165 bpm.
I still have a little spotting and some weird crampy feelings here and
there. These are new sensations and hopefully totally normal.
I do think I need help. At the very least some strategies for handling my fears when they take over. I am only 10 weeks and have had 4 ultrasounds. Is that too many? Does the fear ever go away?
14 comments:
None of your reactions seem out of the ordinary. You've been through so much who could expect different? I had that many ultrasounds by 10 weeks and then became a normal pregnant woman by my drs standards. The fear never completely went away though. I felt it just yesterday after several hours of not noticing movement. It's just something you learn to deal with.
So glad everything is good and that you had a great ob experience!
Um, no. I seriously freaked out until the baby was on my chest, wailing. I rented a doppler from baby beat (babybeat.com) with the first and again now.
I hope your doc is understanding and will let you go immediately for an ultrasound when you need the reassurance. Demand it. Heck, your insurance will cover it, especially if you are having bleeding issues.
Oh, hugs!
Did the doc say why there might be bleeding?
I had ultrasounds at 7, 8, and 9 weeks. At 10 weeks I woke up, panicked after a horrible miscarriage dream, and frantically called my OB. They were kind enough to fit me in that morning for an ultrasound, where I found out everything was just fine.
I honestly think there is something about that 10 week mark that strikes a paralyzing fear in the hearts of those who have suffered miscarriage.
For me, I felt a big relief after my 12 week appt and NT scan. That's when I truly started embracing my pregnancy. And around 20 weeks when I felt movement, I no longer had to rely on my doppler for peace of mind.
You will get there. It really just takes time.
Oh, and fwiw, I don't think that's too many ultrasounds. Sure, some people might, but those people aren't infertile.
Not sure why my above comment says it was written by Unknown, but it was actually me :)
I had ultrasounds at 7, 8, and 9 weeks. At 10 weeks I woke up, panicked after a horrible miscarriage dream, and frantically called my OB. They were kind enough to fit me in that morning for an ultrasound, where I found out everything was just fine.
I honestly think there is something about that 10 week mark that strikes a paralyzing fear in the hearts of those who have suffered miscarriage.
For me, I felt a big relief after my 12 week appt and NT scan. That's when I truly started embracing my pregnancy. And around 20 weeks when I felt movement, I no longer had to rely on my doppler for peace of mind.
You will get there. It really just takes time.
Oh, and fwiw, I don't think that's too many ultrasounds. Sure, some people might, but those people aren't infertile.
I had ultrasounds at 7, 8, and 9 weeks. At 10 weeks I woke up, panicked after a horrible miscarriage dream, and frantically called my OB. They were kind enough to fit me in that morning for an ultrasound, where I found out everything was just fine.
I honestly think there is something about that 10 week mark that strikes a paralyzing fear in the hearts of those who have suffered miscarriage.
For me, I felt a big relief after my 12 week appt and NT scan. That's when I truly started embracing my pregnancy. And around 20 weeks when I felt movement, I no longer had to rely on my doppler for peace of mind.
You will get there. It really just takes time.
Oh, and fwiw, I don't think that's too many ultrasounds. Sure, some people might, but those people aren't infertile.
I had ultrasounds at 7, 8, and 9 weeks. At 10 weeks I woke up, panicked after a horrible miscarriage dream, and frantically called my OB. They were kind enough to fit me in that morning for an ultrasound, where I found out everything was just fine.
I honestly think there is something about that 10 week mark that strikes a paralyzing fear in the hearts of those who have suffered miscarriage.
For me, I felt a big relief after my 12 week appt and NT scan. That's when I truly started embracing my pregnancy. And around 20 weeks when I felt movement, I no longer had to rely on my doppler for peace of mind.
You will get there. It really just takes time.
Oh, and fwiw, I don't think that's too many ultrasounds. Sure, some people might, but those people aren't infertile.
first of all, you are pregnant, your hormones are gong to make you go nuts. secondly you have had bad luck -- getting pregnant and having those weird findings early on. the bleeding is scary, for anyone...and it should be! but that nice beating heart is so reassuring. i am guessing your first spotting was implantation relation and this one may be due to the placenta, which grows and sometimes can hit/ intersect with a uterine blood vessel. seriously the whole anatomy is so vascular it is a wondrous thing. all of your US are justified and in no way harm the fetus (my husband is a radiologist). there is some theoretical data suggesting that doppler flows (you know the colour stuff, ussually reserved for those pregnancy comps like twin twin transfusion) is not good for the developing fetus but there is no good hard evidence.
i know with my second pregnancy i had a complete placenta previa...and i felt like there are certainly milestones...feeling movement at 20 weeks, 24 weeks (== viability), 28 weeks, 32 weeks (lung maturity).
i say be good to yourself. blame it on your hormones (all of it) and believe in your fetus. let your confidence grow. it's you and the little one and you are going to make it. hope is better than fear, optimism better than despair.
I'm glad everything is ok. It sounds Iike you found the right OB I wish I could tell you the fear goes away. It doesn't. It lessens, but it's always there. Now, when my son decides to sleep a few more hours than usual between night feedings, it's still there.
Oh Jill! You poor thing! Surely the fact that you were already in the OB office was somehow a miracle when the bleeding happened, but what a fright. I thank you for your comments on my blog, you know I'm going through the same fears and this is my second pregnancy (with hopefully a baby at the end of it). I have no advice unfortunately, I agree too I also need some help in coping a bit better with things I cannot control in any way.
I think your fears/emotions are completely okay, and it's okay if you want to talk with someone or learn different ways to deal with the fear. You have been through so much, I totally think your fears are justified. I as well had multiple ultrasounds in early pregnancy, and like a previous commenter said, with each milestone I felt a little bit of relief. I don't think I actually felt total relief until the baby was in my arms, and that's okay too. We all handle things differently and its important to embrace that and not berate yourself because of how you feel. Our feelings are valid and true, so you do what you need to do to get through! (((HUGS)))
Just wanted to say sorry for spamming... my phone sucks! :/
I don't think your fears are going to abate until you are holding in your arms your baby. Hoping that the bleeding soon subsides.
No, it never goes away.
I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I don't use the doppler everyday like I used to anymore only because I can feel her moving. But, I still have fears and so many worries. If she's quiet..I worry. If she's very active...I worry. What if she gets tangled up in the cord. Or what if she's moving so much because she's hungry or because she hates what I just ate...........etc.
You get my point I'm sure. It's all a part of infertility. It's not enough that we have to go through it all but then it robs us of the peace of mind that "normal" women have when they get pregnant. I hate to say it but, I feel jealous of all those carefree women that get pregnant and announce it on fb at 5 weeks. Then they plan everything from nursery themes to childcare within the first trimester without that fear that we always carry. Freakin' infertility sucks!!!
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