Facebook hasn't been all that awful for me during my infertility in terms of pregnancy announcements, participation in ill-conceived breast cancer awareness campaigns, creepy ultrasound photos and monthly photo shoots of the same babies and toddlers. I've encountered enough of these to be able to list them in the previous sentence, but not enough to cause me to skip my daily facebook scroll.
About a year ago, a friend from high school, not a close friend or a friend I "hung out with" outside of school and the ballet class we both attended, but someone I liked--you know the kind--posted photos of her preemie in the NICU. Something about the album alerted my infertility radar.
Then a few months ago she posted a different kind of album on facebook. One that told the story of how her sister became pregnant with her frozen embryo. Her sister was her surrogate for her second pregnancy. For Infertility Awareness Week she wrote a great explanation of surrogacy, IVF and FET in a note and facebook friends rallied around her and her beautiful story. It was at this point that I reached out.
I wrote to her privately and shared my story, thanked her for sharing hers publicly and wished her growing family all the best. I was grateful to be having a conversation with someone I know in real life who also faces infertility. We've exchanged messages back and forth since. And then-- The way she ended her last message shocked and baffled me. After expressing concern over what to do with her remaining embryos, she wrote, "That being said, if you ever need embies you know where to come!"
It actually took my breath away. If I had liquid in my mouth I would have spit it out all over the computer screen. My thoughts raced from, "Really?! OK!" to "is it that simple?" to wondering how we could possibly negotiate that and all the complexities we would encounter, to finally, wtf was she thinking making an offer like that?
I mean really, WTF was she thinking making an offer like that?
Thoughts?
6 comments:
Wow. This is crazy! First, it's very cool that she shared her story so publicly on FB, and that so many people rallied around her. Second, it's also very cool that you reached out to her, and you two were able to have a conversation about infertility - this kind of support and friendship is invaluable. But the way she mentioned offering embryos is so flippant! Like the way I would offer extra meds from my cycles or something!
It's funny you mentioned this today. My best friend in real life was just told that she can't use her own eggs, and for the first time, the thought crossed my mind of offering my frozen embryos to her. BUT, so many other thoughts came up like, I would need to talk to my husband, and I would want to make sure I don't want them anymore, and I would need to think about it - a ton! - and what would my friend say, and what would that be like, knowing my friend was gestating, and then later raising my child? My point is, that yes, this could very well be an option, but it's such a HUGE decision that to make a simple little offer like she did seems so... careless! I don't know, maybe this is the way she speaks, but wow. So bizarre!
Wow. I think the casualness of the comment is what would have caught me. I mean, is it that easy to just throw it all to the wind like that? Maybe if she was your BFF, that would be different. But seriously, I don't think I could casually toss my embies away like that.
Yes, the flippant nature of her comment is strange - but the offer itself - not so strange to me. I am one of those people with frozen embryos and we agonize over what we'll do with them if we have some left over when we're done building our family. We thought we'd donate them anonymously, but aren't comfortable with that now. If I knew someone who needed them, and I knew they were good people - the same comment could come out of my mouth. There could be relief for her thinking that she may have found a solution to her "what to do with my embies" question.
She obviously thinks highly of you!
I agree with My Vegas, it's not the offer itself, but the way she made it which makes me think she didn't actually think this through for real. I had a friend who offered to be my surrogate at one point (when I thought mu uterus was actually the problem) only to retract the offer a day or so later when thankfully I also thought she was definitely not the perfect surrogate anyway. I don't know if she meant what she said, but it is nice she said it. Love, Fran
I agree that embryo donation is a really great thing. F and I have already talked about this option if our future brings us leftover embryos. But I've never thought about 'how' the process would work. I think 'offering' embryos to people you know is so complex and potentially problematic. I understand the impulse, though. My friend (we haven't spoken in person in 16 years!) obviously wants to donate her embryos and her offer, like Courtney suggests, may have come from a very emotional place. There is just so much to think about when you are talking about donating to someone you know personally, and yes, My Vegas, it was the casualness of the comment that shocked me. These embryos will have biological siblings who are part of a biological family that lives right down the road from my parents. That is just the beginning of issues we would have to sort out.
Best to just ask and clarify if she was indeed offering to donate to you and if so what sort of arrangement might she be comfortable with or seeking in terms of contact and openess.
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