I just got the call from the nurse. First let me say that I am a complete wreck. I've been crying all day. I just can't help it. This was even before I got the result. Which is positive. But we knew that already.
The number isn't as stellar as I was hoping, isn't as clearly YOU ARE PREGNANT as I had hoped. My hcg level is 67.
My response to the nurse was a flat and disappointed, "Oh."
She knew and said, "Well, numbers for frozen embryos tend to be lower than fresh, so you have nothing to worry about at this point." She also said congratulations. And sounded happy.
My clinic calls with one of the following results--pregnant, not pregnant or maybe. The nurse did not give me a 'maybe' result. She said, "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"
So why does this feel like a 'maybe?'
Because Monday night I had a bad dream. I've been dreaming about toilets the past few nights (probably because I have to pee), toilets that have spilled over, are not working, are disgusting or have some barrier preventing their use. Monday night I had a dream I was cramping and spotting. I kept wiping and wiping with toilet paper until I had clogged the toilet. Water was spilling everywhere and soon I was standing in it. I was trying to call for F in my dream but no sound would come out. Then I went to the bathroom mirror and saw bloody leaches coming out of my mouth (yes, leaches. I know, disgusting, sorry). I was trying to wipe them away and call for F. When I woke up I had this sort of numb, gut feeling that the pregnancy was gone.
I was groggy all morning and felt a bit feverish, like I was coming down with something.
I also felt less bloated, sort of deflated. I just couldn't get rid of this horrible feeling that the pregnancy had already stopped growing.
My 8dp6dt hpt was barely indistinguishable from 7dp6dt. Today, at 9dp6dt, I felt a little reassurance with a slightly darker line. It wouldn't darken even a little if it weren't increasing, right?
Yet now I still feel less bloated than Monday. Less crampy. Simply, Less. My gut says this is a chemical pregnancy. I am trying to prove myself wrong.
I am trying to take one day at a time, to not focus on symptoms. To not give the number 67 too much resoluteness. Focus on the positive, literally.
I need a major distraction tonight. Tomorrow is covered. Friday will be excruciating.
11 comments:
I hope, hope, hope your number doubles, triples, quadruples. I hope it is a beautifully high number that shores up your heart and gives you a as much peace as one can have during the beta blitz.
It's NOT a bad number hon - hang in there! Izzy had a 42 on 14dpo and she's almost 19w preggo now. Do NOT give up hope. Hang in there!!!
http://eggceptionalblues.wordpress.com/2012/02/10/still-not-sure-whats-going-on/
I know that number thing is hard not to think about but as long as it doubles you will be fine! Congrats!
I have heard the same thing about frozen transfers. Hang in there you are pregnant and I just know it will double!
That number is fine for 14DPO. Amy from Grace in Shades of Gray and another blogger from We Say IVF They say FIVF also got similar numbers at the same DPO and both had little boys in the past few months. Frozen transfers definitely have a lower number because they take a wee bit longer to implant. Wipe away those tears it's pregnancy 2.0 baby :)
I just re-read my posts of 2010 on the beta shenanigans I had after my FET. At 10dp6dt (though my clinic doesn't discriminate between 5dt and 6dt) I had 52. The important thing is that it has to double. Not skyshoot and not slowly climb (yes it may still be fine of course!). My beta on 12dp6dt did double to 123. I actually graphed it as if it was a day 5 transfer as it made me feel a bit better! I'm keeping you in my thoughts! Fran
I've been reading your blog, but have never commented. I'm thinking about you and sending prayers your way. My first bete was 48. No one at my RE seemed to think this was bad, they were all so excited. Like you said, the first number is just the indicator that you ARE pregnant, the next numbers will give you more information. Try to stay busy and stay away from HPT's and googling, etc. Sometimes that makes things worse when we are looking for information. I can't wait to hear your 2nd number! Congratulations!!
Thinking of you as try to get through this week! I know it's hard not to focus on the number, which is just fine!!! But try to keep going, stay distracted! Hang in there!!!
Hang in there. I know it wasn't the number you were looking for but it's very early and if the doc says things are right on track, keep your hopes up. Doubling is what's important. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Please don't give up! I'm so hoping that the number jumps. I know it doesn't sound good, but there have been many successful pregnancies from an initial lower (and it's not even that low) HCG. Hang in there!!!
I, too, have heard of many low numbers for FETs. Hopefully those dreams were just stress and I'm sending all sorts of positive thoughts your way for a great second beta.
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