To say that this pregnancy and miscarriage has thrown us for a loop is an understatement. I don't really know what to feel. We have questions. We have decisions to make.
I feel disappointed, sad, and betrayed to be in this place again. Waiting to miscarry. Monitoring a decrease in Bhcg levels.
A natural pregnancy, a second baby: what a nice thought. What a fantasy. I am so angry.
Unlike my other losses, which occurred very early and were found at the 6-7 week ultrasound in my RE's office, I felt more of a connection to this pregnancy. I was starting to show. I had nausea (what I always begged for with Baby G)! There was a tiny, yet baby-formed being on screen. And I can't help but feel like something happened, or could have been prevented, something maybe I did when I didn't know I was pregnant. My experience tells me this is not the case, as it so rarely is in pregnancy loss, yet....
At the same time, I feel dumbfounded by a spontaneous pregnancy. What does this mean? Was it just a fluke? Will I be able to get pregnant on my own again? Do I want to? Am I hopeful (naive)? How many miscarriages am I willing to suffer through?
We convinced ourselves during the few weeks we thought we were having another baby that a second child would be wonderful (hard with an 18 month old, but wonderful nonetheless). The life we were starting to imagine ourselves living has been ripped away from us just as we were beginning to embrace it, and it has left us confused about what we want. I feel like Baby G has lost a sibling and I have this sadness about him being an only child that I've never felt before.
We still need to decide how to proceed with the miscarriage. I cannot wait a month for a natural miscarriage again. This time I need to have more control over when it happens. I talk to my midwife on Tuesday but I am leaning toward trying misoprostol first and then going in for a d&c if necessary. I kind of wish I could call my RE. I miss them right now.
Thank you for being here. I am so grateful for the comments and the visits I have received. I did not expect anyone to still be reading.
3 comments:
I again, am so sorry you are going this. I think you feelings are very warranted and likely what the majority of women in your situation would be feeling. I'm thinking about you as you move forward and hoping everything goes as smoothly as possible.
Oh Jill, I am so sorry to hear this and for you to have to enter this space again. My thoughts are with you as you navigate through the miscarriage and your thoughts about what, if anything, to do about another child.
Oh hon, I am so sorry you are going through all of this again. Thinking of you...
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