Yesterday on my long commute back home I would spontaneously find myself in tears. Sometimes not even thinking of anything in particular. Other times having a full on sobbing reaction to songs such as Gillian Welch's "Orphan Girl," especially the lines, ....No sister, no brother..., and to the comedy set by Tig Notaro in which she talks about being diagnosed with cancer. The closer I got to home the more I would tear up. I think because the wait to see if this worked was really just beginning.
It felt good to cry. I realized that I haven't really cried this cycle, even though it was the most emotional and stressful cycle yet. I wish I could have a do over because I feel like I could do better, given the chance.
But there is no do over and we are one cycle short of THE END. I really am devastated that we had nothing to freeze. I don't see having something to freeze as a "bonus." I see it as an indication that IVF is working well for you. This cycle did not go very well. Not my response, not my interactions with my RE, not the timing, not my embryos.
My levels of hope and optimism are low. Given the progression of the cycle, I don't expect this to work. I feel like it HAS to work, but I don't think it will. I'm working on my attitude. Give me a chance to relax and maybe I will find myself in a better place.
My first task of cheering up and finding hope? Putting the photo of our embryos on the fridge. It does help a little.
I had to move my beta back one day due to a schedule conflict (the bad timing continues! I should call this cycle the Monday-Wednesday curse), so it will be next Thursday, at 10dp5dt. That's okay with me. I always pee on a stick before the blood draw anyway.
8 comments:
Ugh, certain songs really make me break into tears too. But sometimes it's good - actually most, if not all of the time, it's good. It's such a huge emotional relief for me and I always feel better afterwards. Sending great big hugs your way that you find a way out of this funk soon.
Thinking of you as you await the results... I always cry at songs - it makes me feel better!
Sending you a big big hug! Days like this can be so difficult. Crossing my fingers like crazy!
I know it's shit when people compare but I can honestly say my last cycle was a total head fk everything went wrong yet somehow it worked and she's (finally) sleeping peacefully. Sometimes it's the worst cycle that ends up being your best x
Hang in there. Take it one day at a time and be good to yourself.
Breathe.
I have seen so many "not so great" cycles result in take-home babies. Don't count yourself out - you had embryos to transfer and that is the end goal of IVF :)
I wish you peace as you continue to wait it out. Ugh.
Just chiming in to agree with the others. Be gentle with yourself. And remember...it just might work! Hoping...hoping...hoping for you
I know what you mean when you talk about not feeling any hope. We too put the embie photos on the fridge and it does help... at least keeps you motivated to take your meds. :) Thinking of you and hoping that your wait becomes more peaceful.
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