Cycle Day What?!

ONE.  Yes, one.  My uterus just went, "Ta Da!"

(Cycle day one will actually be tomorrow due to the evening arrival of flow.  The spotting started last night and continued through most of the day.  I was getting worried that it wasn't going to turn into anything, that not enough time had passed since the end of the miscarriage bleed and that I couldn't possibly have anything to shed for a period to count, but lo and behold, there is red flow!)  

So it seems that 15 days after the last bit of spotting (from 44 days of bleeding, mind you) ended, I am at the beginning of a new cycle.  Once my beta finally dropped to negative, my system must have jumped into gear.  And brought on wicked PMS.  Rage.  Depression.  Self-doubt.  Ugly cries.  Ugly laughs.  That was my weekend.

It has been two months since the actual miscarriage happened.  Cycle Day One, like the last one after my first IVF miscarriage, is bittersweet with relief and sadness.  Mostly what I feel is closure.  I also feel ambivalent about starting IVF all over again.   I feel overwhelmed already.  When I think about how difficult IVF can be, a little voice in my head whispers,  "Just quit."

But tomorrow I will call to schedule a day 3 workup, fill my prescription of BCP, wait for my calendar, plan trips.

We'll be doing CCS with this retrieval which adds another layer of worry, money woe, timing and thought.  

There is so much to do to prepare.  I realize this will take the rest of the year. 

Deep Breath.  Ok, let's do this.