15dpiui
I'm not in the best place to extend a welcome for iclw. Actually, after spending the past three days breaking into sobs every few hours, today is better, so welcome to the tail end of my two week wait after IUI #3.
I am waiting for AF to arrive so I can finally say, after multiple BFNs, that it is over. Our plan is to do one more IUI this summer before beginning the IVF process in the fall. I really put all my faith into this time being the charm and I am paying the price.
With IUI #1, in November, I didn't think it could possibly work on the first try, with only clomid, after almost two years of trying naturally, so I was shocked and hopeful when it ended with a very early miscarriage. Then, IUI + clomid #2, in January, was horribly mistimed because we chose to save money and go unmonitored. I knew we didn't have a chance that cycle and was happy to have it end so we could move on and try again, the complete opposite of IUI #3, where on paper there is no reason why it shouldn't have worked.
I was convinced I was pregnant, though preparing to be devastated, anxiously excited and hopeful after the results of my progesterone level, and as it turned out, tragically optimistic about the success rates of IUI + clomid. It seems that the one chemical pregnancy is more like a fluke rather than a prediction of my success with clomid and IUI. Maybe it was the effects of it being my first time on 100 mg of clomid that made me cry harder than I have ever cried in the past two years of trying to get pregnant. At the time I thought, despite the BFNs, that my extreme emotions were a symptom of actually being pregnant. Did you know that the blue +/- dye tests will bleed into the test line and turn positive after a few hours?
I was thinking yesterday of those of you who are IVF veterans, how much admiration I have of your persistence and courage and the ways I am learning about those strengths from your blogs, that success stories do give me hope, but so do those stories of trying again after it didn't work. Thank you for those.
12 comments:
Well, from now on you'll be my petal always!
It's strange when a cycle fails. There's the sadness, the thought "it'll never work for us" and then somehow the batteries recharge and a new month brings new hope. Because that's the way us infertile fights back. We are back on the saddle ready for a new ride. If it'll have to be IVF, believe me it's not as bad as you imagine. I was devastated when we were told that's was our only option. The sight of the bags of meds almost made me throw up...and then I somehow managed. And I'm so happy I ploughed through. big hugs, Fran
ps: and happy ICLW week!
Ugh, I'm so sorry you're in this place right now Jill. :( I SO hope you're wrong and the embryo implanted late hence the late BFP, but if not, you WILL persevere. You'll be okay. It fucking sucks right now, but the next cycle will start and you'll realize you have a chance again. Thinking of you tonight...
I'm so sorry for the BFNs. :(
There are some cycles the it's just harder to watch end than others. Sending hope for the next.
happy ICLW! i very much understand where you are at right now. i felt the same way after my last IUI. i just felt lost and hopeless. it's ok to put your faith in each of these treatments, because you just never know. there is only so much that statistics will tell you. mostly though, you just have to focus on that end goal.. one day you will get there and you will hold your baby in your arms. big hugs!
Happy ICLW. Looking forward to following your journey. I also experienced an early loss with my first IUI. We were devastated. I hope this weekend brings time to take care of yourself and find peace. Regardless of where you choose to go from here, I'll be behind you, supporting you!
Happy ICLW...
I'm so sorry to hear about how your feeling as your 2WW comes to an end. There are lots of people out in the IF community to support you as you take the next steps for yourself. I've learned, all you have to do is reach out. :o) I just had egg retrieval today for my first IVF... so my 2WW starts today. Best of luck as you move forward.
Kim from The Ladies in Waiting Book Club
I am so sorry Jill. Words are just not going to cut it right now so I'll just send hugs.
Thanks for commenting on my blog.
I'm so very sorry for the BFN's. This is so hard, I know. Sending you love and hugs...
Hi. Stopping by from ICLW. I just wanted to say that I dislike any stick with blue lines. Only once did I think my test was positive when it actually wasn't and it had blue lines. I swear by FRED and if I am going to torture myself by POAS everday, that is the only test I will use from here on out. GOod luck to you!
I'm so sorry that this cycle hasn't ended how you hoped. I know what you mean about building your hopes up and being so crushed when it doesn't go the way you planned.
I thought this time round clomid would help us and I was so devestated when I found out I was non-responsive even at 200mg. At the time I remember saying it felt like finding out I was infertile all over again. Please be kind to yourself. Sending huge hugs.
I am here from ICLW and am happy to have found your blog. I can understand what you are going through and am sending big hugs to you. I completed six cycles with meds (3 with clomid, 3 with femara) and timed intercourse, now I am moving on to IUI. I just had my first failed IUI with Femara cycle last month. Anyway, I can say that I know what you are going through and how horrible the meds can be when it comes to your mental health. I am hoping and praying that this next cycle works for you! I've added your blog and I'm following it.
Hi Jill: I'm here from ICLW #156. So sorry about the failed cycles so far. I remember thinking back wehn I was a newbie at IVF how I didn't know how those veteran IVFers did it...and of course how I'd never become one of them. Ha joke was on me. After a pregnancy loss on the 3rd IVF and gangrene ovary torsion necessitating its removal, it took til my 6th fresh ivf to conceive again. i had a girl and then a boy. For me, I just kept looking ahead and the time just went and I evolved and learned and got stronger thru the tears. You will too. It's self-preservation. Keep the faith.
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