Winter is rainy season. Actually October through May is rainy season. I often look at the 10 day forecast, hoping to see just one day of partly sunny, a break in the rain.
The day I got a positive pregnancy test the sun came out. It lasted for 3 whole days. These were the days I knew I was pregnant. And sadly, when the sun left, so did my pregnancy, with literary measure, because when I started bleeding on Saturday a winter storm in the mountains brought hail and lightning and thunder to the coast.
I hope the lunar eclipse of the full moon on winter solstice brings something magical and lucky.
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On Saturday I started bleeding. It has been difficult to call what I am experiencing a miscarriage because I still can't believe I was pregnant, that the clomid IUI actually worked (but didn't, but it did). I wrote in my hcg post that what F and I know is that something happened this time, something worked and my body responded. I have never seen 2 lines on an hpt before. I can celebrate that and feel hopeful. And we are celebrating that. We are devastated that we came so close, but we are celebrating that pregnancy can happen. A week ago we did not even know if we could make it as far as a positive pregnancy test.
I am keeping that test. I can't throw it away. Today has been the first day that I have not picked it up and looked at, to remind myself that it did happen, to make sure the line is still there, that I did not imagine it. It is proof that a pregnancy did exist, that I am bleeding from a miscarriage and not just AF, that this really happened. I am definitely keeping that test.
At different times of the day I find myself blinking back tears of disappointment, wishing that I was pregnant and could really celebrate a pregnancy, that I could have told my mom that the numbers doubled instead of went nowhere. At other times I say to F, "we did it! It didn't stick but we did it, can you believe it?!"
I called the nurse Sunday morning to tell her I was bleeding and to find out what the plan will be for trying again. She reassured me that this was a good sign. We will sit out a cycle and try clomid IUI #2 next cycle, in late January or early February. February seems so far away, doesn't it? I go in for a follow-up beta next week to make sure my hcg levels have returned to zero. We'll try naturally. I will track my BBT.
I want to thank everyone who kept me in their thoughts over the past few days and left comments, and to those who visited from LFCA. I guess this is my ICLW welcome as well.
27 comments:
(((hugs))) It's hard to know how to react when you feel sad but know that something good happened even so. Something did happen -- and that's a good thing.
I am so sorry for your recent loss. Here's hoping for brighter days a head in the very near future - both literally and figuratively. I hope that IUI #2 brings you not only a positive pregnancy test, but a healthy baby along with it!
Oh no, I am so sorry! I hope that the sun comes out again and stays shining.
I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs* Here from ICLW.
Oh sweetie. Don't forget those few days of pregnancy. They're magical. And you can do this again... Try naturally this month - you never know.
I'm sorry that you have to experience this loss. I hope 2011 brings you what you wish for. **hugs**
I am so sorry for your recent loss, I am here from ICLW. Like you, I recently had a m/c and feel hopeful knowing that I can get pregnant, it is not a common sentiment but for me it matters. I still have my test and my first u/s picture. So sad.
I am hoping that we (and our other IF sisters) go onto good things in 2011!
I'm so sorry you had to experience this loss. I too have never seen two lines, and I wonder if I ever will, so I certainly understand your keeping that stick as a reminder that it worked once and it can work again.
I am so glad you finally got an answer to something! You can get pregnant!
I am sorry for your loss though. I hope the sun comes back soon!
i hope the solstice brings all of us a fresh start too. enjoy your month off the best you can and breathe :-)
I'm so very very sorry. I hope that 2011 brings with it many many sunny days!
~Happy ICLW~
#14 http://themissruby.blogspot.com/
~May your Christmas be filled with Peace~
~And your New Year with Hope~
you're right -- knowing you *can* get pregnant and that it did work is a positive thing..and something that you should celebrate...even though it's still so diffult because of the "but" that follows.
i understand exactly where you are coming from. to have a positive test and to feel like you were so close, only to have it taken away, is devastating.
i hope 2011 brings us more positive times and a screaming baby to boot!
OMGoodness I can feel your pain. I have been there so many times and it's no fun, it's heartbreaking and emotionally and physically draining.
I can only tell you, while the hurt of the loss never fully goes away, it will get easier :(
Happy ICLW from #37 and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
Im so sorry sweetie :( I just had a miscarriage over Thanksgiving, it was an early loss. Sometimes I do think to myself, did that really happen? Definitely praying for you, and that your broken heart to start to mend. Feb does feel like its so far away(Im having a lap done in march) but Im sure the time will just fly by!
Here from ICLW
I am so sorry (((hugs)))
I am saying a little prayer that the sun comes out to shine on you again!!!
ICLW #50
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that 2011 brings you lots of sun and good news!
I hope the solstice and new year will bring weeks of glorious sunshine and happiness!
Happy ICLW!
Elizabeth
Stopping by from ICLW.
Sending hugs your way!!! I will say prayers that your next cycle is here before you know it brings those miraculous two lines as well as a healthy and happy 9 months.
Here from ICLW and LFCA. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. As devastating as it is, try to hold on to that you did manage a pregnancy, even though it wasn't viable. It can happen again! I'll be praying for you and your hubs. Best wishes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your lost pregnancy. Your post brought me to tears. I remember how horrible it was when I lost my first pregnancy. I know my words cannot bring you comfort but please know that you're in my heart and in my thoughts. I don't understand why so many people have to know this pain, but it that seems to be life. I wish I could make some sense out of it.
Esperanza @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com
I am so sorry hun *hugs*
I hope there is a forever baby coming for you soon
Merry Christmas
ICLW #59 http://www.digital-damita.net
I am so very sorry for your loss. It's hard no matter what time of year, but I feel like you need just that much more love and support having to endure it during the holidays. I remember keeping the tests and looking at them a lot. I don't remember when I actually let them go. I won't give you any cliche's to attempt to ease your pain. I know it won't really help. It just sucks. It flat out isn't fair. I hope that you are surrounded by love this Christmas and that this new year brings two more lines, and this time it ends with a lovely rainbow baby. ICLW #110
So sorry you are going through this! I hope your 2011 cycle brings you luck and another reason to celebrate! I love that you are celebrating this miracle that did in fact happen! I just featured your blog! Good luck!
I was sorry to read about your recent loss, but moved to read that you are still moving forward and retaining a hopeful attitude. I think this type of resilience is one of the major keys to success. Wishing you all the best in 2011.
What a disappointment, however, you know you were pg and that should give you hope for future cycles.
~Jem (ICLW #5)
http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com/
My last two pregnancies were exactly like that, chemicals, and they hurt a lot as well. Now I am actually pregnant, but when I told my parents, they wanted to hear nothing of it until the numbers doubled a couple of times, otherwise they were expecting me to miscarry again. How sad, but good news you're right.
I am so so sorry. You absolutely should feel good that you can get pregnant. That is a major accomplishment! It is completely unfair that it was ripped away so quickly though. Try and hang in there, keep that glimmer of hope, and be good to yourself the next month or so. Wishing you so much luck your next cycle!
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