Spilling, Telling or Adding Support

...and a wonderful example of what to say when someone tells you they are struggling with infertility.

This weekend I was in Dallas for a reception for the project I worked on over the summer (during our ttc break). I grew up in Dallas and my immediate family lives there as well as almost all of my in-laws. I spent time with the in-laws over the summer and wrote this post about...suffering in silence, basically--something I have struggled with since our official diagnosis of infertility.

My Brother in-law came to the reception and as I was walking him out he asked what F and I had planned for Thanksgiving. Well, Thanksgiving is around the time when our first IUI will happen, and you know those questions that make you feel backed into a corner because all you have the capacity to think about is infertility? You lose the ability to lie or field completely normal questions like "How are you?" or "Are you happy to be back with your husband?" or in this case, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" Needless to say, BIL does not know about our struggles. When he asked "What are your plans for Thanksgiving?" I answered with a sob. Yes, I started crying in the street, outside of a professional event, my poor BIL totally confused by my behavior.

So I told him that we will be doing an insemination for Thanksgiving. That we have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years. He was...excited. Not quite the reaction I was expecting. He was excited because what he heard was "You want to have kids!" (Almost all of my in-laws think that F and I don't have children because we don't want to have children. I find this hurtful but have not explained that we do want children, because that would mean telling them we are experiencing infertility.) Sigh.

I am writing this post to share the relief I immediately felt when I told him about our infertility. Relief, despite the fact that he thinks I have a stressed out personality. I am happy he knows, happy he told our sister-in-law when he got home and filled with gratitude that she sent me this message the next day:

"thomas shared your struggles with me. i don't really know if there is anything i can say to encourage you or help you feel better. i just wanted you know that i'm thinking about you. you guys are in my heart. i'll especially be thinking about you the week of thanksgiving. we'd love to know how everything is going, but i won't be asking because i want to respect your privacy, however i'm always willing to listen. love you.
for what's it's worth, every time i see you with my crazy boys i've always secretly thought you'd make a great mom. i never said anything because i thought you guys didn't want kids and i didn't want you to feel like i was pressuring you. but now that i know that is not the case, i just wanted to let you in on my thoughts. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} "

It means so much that she reached out, because she knew exactly what to say and because we really aren't that close and don't have a lot in common. Maybe infertility will bring us closer. As we embark on our first IUI this cycle, it feels reassuring to have family members who know and care about what we are going through.

And isn't this a wonderful example of what to say when someone tells you they are experiencing infertility?!