33, 34, 35, 36, 37 Weeks and 4 Days

I will be 38 weeks this week and I am finally, finally ready to exclaim that this baby can come at any time now.

At 34 weeks my mom bought her plane ticket for June 29.

At 35 weeks the baby dropped a bit. My prenatal yoga class is taught by a midwife and at the end of each class we do belly mapping. We could barely feel the head above my pelvis. The midwife said he could have moved down in preparation for birth or moved down to make more room to grow, as some babies do. That is when it occurred to me that this baby could be here soon. Each week she asks, "Are you sure your dates are right?" More sure than I tell her.

At 36 weeks, F and I spent the weekend washing all the clothes, hanging curtains and making a list of essentials we still needed. I couldn't help but breakdown when I saw all the clothes put away, a room just waiting.

I've been keeping a written pregnancy journal. Comparing that journal with this blog is like reading the words of two different people. Perhaps one is an infertile struggling with not only pregnancy after infertility but with writing about pregnancy in a space that has been dedicated to infertility treatment for 3 years. In the other, a conscious decision was made to allow myself to be a normal pregnant person, to document the milestones that I truly wanted to remember and share, rather than the fears that sometimes oppressed the excitement. Those fears were deposited in this blog. I'm sorry you got the dark side.

Many bloggers have been able to merge their infertile selves with their pregnant selves into the same blog space. Some have started new blogs for pregnancy or a new blog once they have resolved their infertility, in whatever way that may be, as a way to separate the two journeys. I'm realizing that I can neither fully merge my pregnant self with my infertile self, nor use a blog as a way to document my pregnancy. I started blogging as a way to join the IF community and share my experience with others who were also struggling. I am sort of sad to say that I don't plan to continue this blog, or any blog, after the baby is born. We don't plan on doing IVF ever, ever again. I feel so lucky to be expecting one and I know our family will be complete with him.

But here I have returned at 37 and a half weeks, full term and prepared and waiting for labor. This may be the last post before the birth. If so, I can't wait to write the one after, hopefully my last.