One quiet day in my womb and I begin to wonder what I might have done to kill my baby. It was the sex the night before. It was eating an entire box of girl scout cookies in one day. It was waking up on my back instead of my left side. It was drinking 2 cups of decaf coffee instead of one or drinking anything other than water, milk and small amounts of juice, for that matter. It was a combination of everything, especially the sex and cookies in the same day and then sleeping on my back afterwards.
Fear.
Last week, or the week before, in New york, a young couple expecting their first first child drove to the ER in the middle of the night because she had not felt the baby move, in how long, I don't know. They obviously thought something was wrong. The car they were in was hit by another and they were both pronounced dead at the hospital. The woman was 24 weeks pregnant, had just reached the stage of viability, and the baby was delivered alive, considered a miracle, but then died a few days later.
I can't help but wonder if they made their trip to the hospital thinking, "If something is wrong, they can save the baby. We've reached viability."
Viability.
We count the weeks to this milestone but we know viability does not mean survival or a normal life. Viability means your baby has a chance, and a long, long road and developmental consequences to endure, if he survives. And so it means nothing really, except continued fear of premature labor and birth until you reach full term.
I finally watched the documentary Bully. One of the children profiled is a boy who was born prematurely at 26 weeks. Needless to say he has had a rough childhood.
I don't mean to co-opt the tragedies of others and make them about me. I don't want to distort stories or experiences so that I can build my own fears. It is difficult to encounter tragedies and the experiences of others and not think that they could happen to me.
I had my first scary birth dream last night. I won't describe it. First the news story, then a quiet day of what seemed like no movement from the baby, followed by watching a middle-schooler still struggling with the effects of preterm birth, and finally a scary dream of my own.
I guess you could say my recent exposure to these stories as I approach viability is shaking my confidence. At the same time, I am able to feel gratitude for so many things. Baby has returned to being active and everything is still okay.
My good friend had a baby this week. I woke up at 4 AM (my usual hour of insomnia these days) to find the announcement via text, received around midnight. Since I was awake, I texted my congrats (they'd still be up at 4, right?). Usually I fall back into some kind of uncomfortable half-sleep (with screaming hips) from 4-ish to 7, but not this morning. I couldn't fall back into any kind of sleep. All I could think about was how much I just wanted my baby born and at home, alive and safe, RIGHT NOW. Full term, of course.
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Just so you know, I do feel extremely guilty about eating that entire box of girl scout cookies.
5 comments:
Ah my dear Jill, quiet days do happen (and I hate them too!) specially when there is still so much room. During one of my quiet days, I went back to read the blog about my first pregnancy and discovered that I actually asked the OB about movements and the fact that Oliver (I was about 29 weeks) seemed to have not the same intensity of movements every day. He said it's totally normal once you feel movements throughout the day, kick counting was in his opinion an evil think that would only make you worry unless you have a superactive baby. I'm repeating this to myself now when i have quieter days.
completely understand the thought of "I want my baby here and now, healthy and full term, I want to close my eyes and wake up 40 weeks pregnant ready to go" I was the exact same. Yes reading those stories doesn't help. I read one horror story the other day (I won't say) and can't un-read it. Big hugs, Fran
I wish so much that we could do all that worrying for you so that you could enjoy your pregnancy but I know that we can't. I've been right where you are. I know there is nothing you can do to stop those thoughts. I just hope that you have moments of peace and joy.
You're in my thoughts, girl.
I know how scary this all can be. I had my days where I freaked out when I felt no movement from Henry. I delevered him at 25 weeks 2 days. He is perfectly healthy although still on oxygen. He was 2 pounds 2 ounces at birth. He is now over 8 lbs and 4 months old. We have been out of the NICU for a month. Keep your faith in God and he will guide you. You will get to 40 weeks! :) And if not, even at 23 weeks babies are saved. I've seen it with my own eyes spending 3 months in the NICU. Babies under 1 pound survive, although they do have some issues, but some don't. Praying for your peace of mind. Hang in there, mama!
I am so sorry that you are still enduring so much angst, and I have so much hope and belief that this baby boy will come out full term and healthy. Stay put, little one. There is still a lot of time for you to cook in there!
On the lighter side, you are not the only one eating entire boxes of girl scout cookies. I generally stay away from them like the plague due to lack of self-control, but my husband brought home a box on valentine's day. I was fine that night, but was home the following day, and it was all over! If it makes you feel any better, I noticed that the boxes are smaller this year. There are four fewer cookies in a box of thin mints!
I do understand those stresses. It's hard to ignore them. But, I'm glad the baby is active again and hopefully you can breathe again.
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