I have a friend who says silly things.
Sometimes it is her insensitivity and bad listening skills. Sometimes it is her personal philosophical understandings of the way the universe works. Sometimes it is her just her naivete. I love her, but when I share my issues and life with her, I end up having to explain infertility 101 over and over each time we talk. This is the friend who, when I first told her about my year and a half struggle with infertility, said, "Well, maybe it just means that now is not the right time." I said a year and a half struggle.
A year later we are in the pool talking about kids when she offered me her daughter as a joke (you know the one where parents say something like, "You really want kids? Here, take mine!) So I replied, "Be careful what you offer, you know what they say about Infertiles--we'll steal your children!"
Her response? "What?! Infertile?! Who said you are infertile?"
Dear Friend, do I really have to take you through this again?
She reminds me of just how little people actually know or think about infertility. Even when those who are close to them are experiencing it. I don't talk about it alot with her ( for the reasons mentioned at the beginning of this post), but she is my oldest friend. I've learned over the years since we've been adults to lower my expectations about what kind of support she can give, so I don't get hurt anymore.
Instead of disappointing me (well, I guess I will always feel a little disappointment), the silly things she says just accumulate in the humor section of this journey.
This section contains comments from her such as:
Well, maybe you and F just aren't genetically compatible. You are very similar.
Don't you ever talk that way about your eggs! Your eggs are strong and fertile and just waiting for the one that is meant to lead to your child.
You had a miscarriage? See, you're not infertile! That shows that your uterus knows exactly what to do and is just waiting for the right baby.
Your body must still be healing.
Maybe I am infertile, too. Boyfriend and I have not been careful at all about protection lately.
Maybe I had a miscarriage, too.
And I am not kidding about the last two.
7 comments:
Ha - I have a friend who had the nerve to tell me the same thing as one of your quotes - that maybe my DH and I were too genetically similar! We are not related at all! Even if she thought this, how could she be insensitive enought to say this out loud to me? She also told me I needed to go gluten-free to get pregnant. She, like your friend, goes way back, so it is hard to just dump her. I just can't take her seriously. kinda sucks.
I think most of us have that kind of friend. My best phrase, after I had been trying for 2 or 3 years (can't remember when she said it exactly) and I was sharing my frustration with E, she said "I completely understand what you mean, when it wasn't happening for us I felt the exact same". Note that it took her the whole of 3 months to get pregnant. Her son is 4 and she's in menopause since last year. Talk about the luck of getting one good egg.
that is infuriating, there are some really good articles from resolve that might help someone like this. I think this one is great:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
oh grrr! those last two are a dozy. but it does just go to show you how people really don't get this if they don't go through it. and yes, the last comment show's a great article. i have it on my blog too! hand it off :-)
Ugh! It must just be so bizarre to fertiles that some women just can't seem to get preggers!
I love it when god is invoked, like "god will bless you with a child. I just know it" ha! This kind of crap comes from the mouths of those who aren't even religious, like invoking god or prayer will make this happen!
Grrr fertiles
Wow. Those are amazing. I've had some strangers say those kinds of things but to have a friend do it? I'm glad you're able to look at it with some laughter now.
She sounds lovely, and completely clueless! I like the idea of giving her some resolve articles to read. Why is infertility so hard to understand for some people???
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