There is Time

I have disappeared as of late. It has been 24 days since my last post. I stopped commenting and checking blogs, though I still think of you often.

There has been another natural cycle that did not end in pregnancy, and then a family emergency that has made my infertility less urgent, put treatment on the back burner, in postponement. We have decisions to make, but we will make them later. There is time. I will blog more, and comment more later, maybe in a month or so. I need to take my time.

I am actually in a good place, this place of not thinking so much about not being pregnant, despite the event in which my brother almost killed himself. Instead of checking the blogs, I call my mom for updates, text my brother, as he still cannot speak, to keep his spirits up, update friends and wait for my temporary job to end so I can go be with my family, with my brother.

Things happen outside of our bodies that derail our efforts to get pregnant. Sometimes we barely notice, sometimes it ends up letting us off the hook, in a way. That is how I feel, like this tragedy has let me off the hook for a while. There are other things to think about.

Meanwhile, today I cheered F on as he ran a 10k in the rain. Then the sun came out and we finished our garden beds; the earth looked fertile. My cheeks are rosy from the sun. I came in the house this evening with dirt on my knees and opened up a bottle of beer. It was effortless, I didn't hesitate. Things really are okay.